He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
