and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
