Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
