Apparently you make a good broom.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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