You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
