Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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