i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
