Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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