Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
