Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
