My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
