my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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