i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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