why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
