her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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