There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
