Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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