conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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