Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
