Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
