That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
