I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
