U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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