I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
