He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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