I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
