probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
