I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
