If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
