i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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