I wish my penis had an off switch
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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