it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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