Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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