Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
