lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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