Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
