So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
