Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
