if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
