My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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