I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
