He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
