tell your sister to shave her snatch
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
