i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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