I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
