Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
