Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
