i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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