I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
