Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
